Cockblocked by Alcoholics Anonymous

Last night I was supposed to have a date with a cute little redhead, but then she canceled on me at the last minute. Why??? Because it conflicted with the lame ass rules of her AA meetings. Cockblocked by AA!

Apparently the people running AA, they recommend that people attending the meetings do not date for a year! WTF?! Let's put our life on hold for a whole fucking year! Can you come up with a better way to send them back to the bottle?! Dumbass!

The other problem is the people never drinking again. The alcohol isn't the problem, it's the people! A person that becomes a huge fucking fat ass isn't told to never fucking eat again. Do you tell a workaholic to never work again?! They're told to eat reasonably, work less, set limits... How healthy is it for someone to be told to never do something again because they can't control themselves?!

Down with AA! I will teach these people how to live a fuller life, which is not by avoiding it! I hope a rebounding alchy runs them over on the way back from a meeting!!

Feebleness' New All Time Low

Today I will rant about hearing aids and the futility and irony of them.

Today at work my co-worker minion, a 70 year old fart, was talking with another older man in the same "knock, knock, knocking on coffins door" stage of life. The worst and most ironic part of it all was they were talking about their hearing aids. It's as ironic as bulimics with chubby cheeks, but not quite as cool or trendy...

What a waste of batteries! Talking about your hearing aid. What is even the point of having a hearing aid anyways? By the time you're decrepidly old you've pretty much heard everything anyways! All you can talk about your dietary blend of pills that keep you alive...

The worst part is now they can hear the Grim Reaper coming. I wish at times when he crossed the road he would get run over by a car. Now, thanks to his fucking Miracle Ear chances are he'll hear the motorcade of death. Shitty.

Lucky for me I can still bang on loud pieces of metal (with MY ear plugs in) and create such a ruckus that it will drive the codger with his bionic ear to new levels of deafness! So eventually he will have to have such a large amplified hearing aid the weight may break his withering neck.

Can't a white guy get a break?

How come being a black person is like an exclusive little club? I'm just a poor white guy trying to make my way through life, but can't seem to get an "IN" anywhere. There's no community for whitey's like me and it makes me sad.

I typed into the Yahoo search on the internet machine for "website for black people" and found a delightful page dedicated soul-ly to my dark skinned brothers. http://www.blackplanet.com/ It's pretty sweet in case you didn't know. They have a handy little collection of links titled "Find people interested in," that by the mere click of the mouse control will connect you instantly to people with similar interests such as "smoking weed," "hoes," "ni99az," "gettin money," and "dominoes."

How great is it that the internet machine brings black people together to share some of their great passions in life! But again I felt empty as I could not find a "website for white people." Who am I gonna be "gettin money" with? Who am I gonna be smoking weed with? I love dominos and hoes!

What is a cracka' to do?!

That time of the month...

Today at work my boss informed me that the office smelled like shit. Apparently he did not appreciate my post binge drinking methane release... I thought it was fabulous just like the roma you get from a fine wine. The old guy with a cold didn't notice, so how bad could it have been?

Bossman says I need to eat more vegetables. That time of the month I guess...

Vegetables are evil to me. I eat so few of them that my body becomes angry with me when I do. Meat and beer is my fuel. I think I have actually gotten to the point where my body has stopped creating the necessary enzymes to break down the fibrous food group. Now when I eat the bottom of the food pyramid my stomach starts to gurgle ( which is never a good sign) and 20 minute later I sitting on the thunderbowl expelling with supersoaker velocity, broken up by only the occasional "spelunk." How is that healthy?!

The worst part of eating vegetables is the dump, the "carbo-unload." When I get done I take a second or to thank my ride partner and salute him for his battle. After the vegetables come of there is little pieces of vegetable fibers floating around. ......It disturbs me greatly...

The human intestine should be about 30 feet long for an adult of my size. 30 feet in 20 minutes! Thats astounding! My body is obviously trying to save me by getting it out that fast! Just like vomiting to dispose of too much alcohol in the system. Vegetables are not fit for human consumption!

We are humans! We are at the top of the food chain! Why would even attempt to eat things growing from the dirt where things decompose? Think of the mighty Grizzly Bear. Does it need vegetables? HELL NO!

You don't need fiber, just pressure! Amen.

e-mail Harassment

"Give her something BIG for Valentine's Day!"

Ok. I'm starting to get depressed. The harassments will not stop. Its the first message I read everyday and the last before I go to bed. What is it you ask? Well, word must be out on the street that my privates are not big enough.

Everyday I get flooded with emails from people concerned with the size of my bald-headed-wrestler. But how do they know? Was it a disappointed ex-lover? Just someone trying to break my spirits?

How big do things need to be anyways? Occasionally I will sit down a certain way and squash one of my giggle-berries. After a night with women some tell me that they were walking funny the next day and had to take extra care sitting down. Plus, I almot split one of the 5' tall girls like a piece of wood.

But apparently that isn't good enough, because the emails persist! Cialis, Viagra, etc. Why do they torment me? And they also mispell it in ways like ClAALlqS and VltAAGRA. What devils! Not only do they insult my one-eyed-snake but my intelligence as well. Even I know how to spell these names!

Please, just let me be!

Problematic Kissing

Kissing, the age old art of getting a woman really hot in her pants. A good time to be had by all if they're good at it. Horrifying if they're bad.

Perhaps the most important part to kissing is lips. I mention this because in one particular case the woman was lacking them. Now she was my first asian girl ever, so immediately I thought this would be a rewarding experience, and it was for everything except the kissing. The problem for me was that this asian girl really had no lips. The best I can describe it was like try to breath life into one of the "Resusci Anne" dolls that you learned CPR on in High School. It was kind of mortifying for me. Even with my larger caucasian lips I could not provide a good quality seal. Luckily, she liked having her neck sucked on, so I just sidestepped the kissing and went for the neck (and the sex).

To me this raises and interesting scenario. What would happen if two people with no lips were to try kissing? How would this work? The slobber would have to be quite unappealing for both. It would be like try to play the suck-blow game with the playing card or the apple pass game. A catastrophe waiting to happen. The head received must be horrific!

I have also noticed problems kissing women that are just over 5'0" tall. The size ratio between us has been unfavorable to say the least. I am about 6'2-6'3. This was almost as bad. I am so much bigger than they are that I feel like I am going to swallow their head. Not good!

As a result if I see the combination of an asian girl with no lips and being about 5 feet tall I will automatically know to skip the kissing...

Politically Correctness and Santa

In today's news there is an article on how Australian Santa Claus' for a company were advised to say "Ha, Ha, Ha" instead of "Ho, Ho , Ho" because of the offensive slang word for a slut. What is the word coming to?

First they tell Santa's not to be drunk while in front of kids. Now they are worried about offending mothers with the word "Ho"? If I were the Santa and some mom started to wig out because I said the word in front of her and her kid, I would immediately break the toddler over over my knee just like in all star wrestling. It is far better to find your fate busted across my meaty thigh than because raised in a Mr Rogers world of unreality.

Where will the niceness end? Soon I probaby wouldn't even be able to use the expressions "bitch slap" or "cock sucker" in front of little children. Kids need to expand there vocabulary and there would be nothing more precious to me than the thought of my own little kids one day chasing eachother with one hand raised high in the air and screaming at the other "I'm gonna bitch slap you, you little cocksucker!"

Just a little food for thought. Wouldn't mom's want to hve their kids hear it in front of them? It's like drugs or sex. The good parents will supply their kids with clean needles and condoms to keep them safe. You shouldn't let your kids learn about it on the streetwhen you aren't around. Show them your full verbiage, cussing and all! And start them young!

http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20071115/wl_asia_afp/lifestyleaustraliachristmasoffbeat

Why I would procreate...

Growing up I never really liked kids and I still am freaked/grossed out by babies. (They have rubbery skin, ICK!) Even after being an uncle for the 5th time. Eventually my nieces and nephews did get old enough to stop crapping themselves and in general become less disgusting.

What changed my viewpoint on the worthlessness of reproducing? Well, one day when me and my brother were helping my sister finish the top half of the house they were living in. My oldest nephew, maybe 3 years old at the time, was of no use. However teaching him to throw drywall screws at my brother was a priceless moment. I never knew kids could be so beneficial to my wants and needs in life.

What is also kind of fun about kids is whatever you tell them is golden! When they were younger and eating a nice chocolate candybar, I told them that chocolate is made out of poop! (How else can you explain tootsie rolls and the nuts in a snickers bar?) The look on their faces was priceless! I can fill an innocent mind with so much pollution it's be astonishing. Needless to say I "disposed" of their candybar.... (a.k.a. eat it when they aren't looking)

The another reason would be to benefit the human race. There are so many god damn idiots out there, that even my kid (with all of my misinformation) would be better than them. With so many immigrants flooding the country I have to leave someone behind that atleast speaks english and pays taxes for all the welfare babies.

Lastly would be the need to have someone to take care of my old retired ass. When I get decrepidly old I would hope one of my own would take better care of me than some group home. At least haul me around like the movie "Weekend at Bernie's" or the dead grandma in "Lampoon's Vacation."

Jenkem, Drug Of Choice For Environmentalists!

Yesterday, during a rather slow day of work, I was seeking to become better informed in the changing times of this busy world and found a brilliant ray of hope for the future of drug use.

This beacon is a new drug called "Jenkem" but also goes by other names such as "Butthash" and "Fruit from Crack Pipe." It's apparently an age old hallucinagen from Africa. Butt (pun intended) the best part of this drug is that it is made from fermenting human excrement! Just think of the possibilities! A $7 trip to a buffet will not only fill you up, but also become a cheap source of fuel in your body's own self contained Jenkem lab!

I know there are lots of organic do gooders out there that would love to do drugs if only they were environmentally safe. Problem solved! Just go eat your favorite organic meal and bingo! It's just a matter of time before your Jenkem is complete! (If you truly cannot wait I recommend almost any foreign food as the results seem to be almost immediate.)

I think environmentalists would be actively trying to pursure drug users of all sorts to this "all natural containment of greenhouse gases." Meth involves a lot of toxic chemicals to produce. Even the Marijuana plant consumes lots of petroleum based fertilizers. Jenkem is the obvious choice!

Concerning my own greedy nature I saw the possibility of an immediate cash flow juggernaut! I usually only go to the bathroom for a #2 every other day at the most, so my excrement should be unusually potent for this. Now is just a matter of eating, expelling, and bagging enough to keep up with demand!

Perhaps the only disheartening thing I found in this article was the fact that this drug is an inhalant and the poor boy in the picture appears to be drinking his "Butthash" through a straw, but I suppose everybody has a learning curve. I guess it could be good, it does look a bit like a chocolte malt...

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2007/1105072jenkem1.html

George Foreman and The Death of the Burger

Last night I decided to cook in my apartment for the first time in forever to curb my 4 month spending spree on eating out which has taken its toll on my checking account. (Largely due to serial dating) So I broke out my George Foreman grill that I received as a gift and decided to make some of my delicious cajun burgers.

So I made my pattys with my secret ingredients (Cajun spice and dirty fingernails, which are all clean now!) and plopped 'em in the Foreman Grill and closed the lid. Within minutes the apartment was filled with the delicious aroma similar to an animal sacrifice in cajun country and I began to lick my chops in anticipation.

After a few minutes of grilling I removed my burgers, waited for one to cool and took a bite... and I was in awe. However it was not in a good way, the Foreman Grill had removed all the fat and a long with it any flavor that made a burger, a burger! I was totally depressed with what George's contraption had done to my infamous greaseburger! It tasted similar to a ground animal that had been jerkified on I-94's shoulder for a month, except no crow would peck at this.

The answer was quick and simple. I plunged my dehydrated patties back into the fat collection at the bottom of the Foreman Grill. It quickly rejuvenated the flavor back into the burger and made them once again delicious. Thank God!

My boss has always told me only stupid white people throw out good fat. Now I have to ad to the list. Stupid white people and George Foreman. He must have created this in his haze after Evander Holyfield punched his brains out. What a mad-man!

How could anyone trust a kitchen appliance from a man that named all his sons George?!

Passive Aggresive Co-worker Tactics

This past year at work there has been an old bastard trying to weasel his way in good with the owner of the business that I work at. He tries to give unneeded advice and comments that are pointless in their obviousness, even more irritating is how often he repeats them. Phrases like "We want this farm's business" (Duh, we want everyone's business), or "We sure need the rain" (No shit, is there a summer that we don't need rain).




"The Scenial One" gives the illusion of being a nice old guy, but nobody that actually has to work alongside him can stand him. He tries to bribe us, like a childmolester driving a van with tinted windows, with his day old donuts. I eat them in spite... It wins him no favor with me, for I see the demon that lurks beneath his wrinkled flesh. I have no wish to climb in that van for the puppy...


.... Now to the part that really bugs me....


He likes to get in his little digs here and there, but I make it through them undaunted, like the spartans in the movie "300" in the Persian arrow volley. He'll use little phrases like "Feeling hungover today?" or something similar in front of the owner to try to make me look bad while trying to make it look like he's just kidding with me...


At first I let him get in his pot shots, but then I figured out what he was doing and learned how to play the game better than he. Old people are cunning, but I am the snake charmer, I play my flute and hypnotise them...


So now I counter with phrases like "How's the prostate today?", or "Scare any pedestrians with the company truck today?", "What took you so long, stop by the bar on the way back AGAIN?!" Fighting fire with fire is a great time. They say eventually it leaves everyone burnt, but I'm a stone castle and he is the piglet's straw house.


Learn from my ways, they will help you eliminate any "would-be" competition at work...

Proof evolution is not happening in my pants

I just read an interesting article on how humans are evolving into 2 different species. One will be an intelligent, powerful, and universally attractive species, the other will be a hobbit like creature that serves the beautiful ones.

The beautiful race will have women with firmer breasts and men with larger cocks. I personally believe evolution is a load of crap. Can a species really adapt in a way the desire? Do you think the Giraffe really evolved a long neck to eat the higher leaves off trees? If this were so, wouldn't I have already evolved a larger penis? I continually think about it every day, pulling on it in one way or another. Yet there it hangs, same size as ever. Proof that evolution is not happening in my pants.

If evolution were really happening would it really take women 15 minutes on average to orgasm and guys only 2 minutes? If evolution were really happening why do you have your hand in a girls pussy for another 13 mins? Shouldn't I either be ejaculating from those fingers or have evolved a hand between my legs? Again, proof evolution is NOT occuring in my pants. Unless of course carpal tunnel is a sign of evolution.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/technology/technology.html?in_article_id=489653&in_page_id=1965

Positives and Negatives of Halloween

The Saturday before Halloween is always a big party night (Only topped by Halloween actually falling on a Friday or Saturday night complete with a full moon).

I knew it was going to be a good night based on the vomit puddles on Hennepin Ave. right in the heart of Uptown. One puddle is usually accompanied by a black-out-drunk bum; but this night there were 3 puddles! By the looks of poorly chewed food 2 of the puddles could be attributed to the same binge-eating and drinking soul. (I should be on CSI with these detective skills) But the other puddle had to be from someone else.

All of this action within the same block! The first mass vomiting I had ever come across in Uptown!

Positives of Halloween:
+Higher percentage of attractive women dressed up exposing more skin than usual!
+A chance to experiment with some kinky role-playing with being thought of as weird!
+Opportunity to murder someone you don't like and pass it off as a cult sacrifice!
+If you can't score any hot ass- if you bag a fat chick that has the costume of a 10/10 on the hotness scale you get credit for the 10 even though the fatty may only be a 3! Go Barbie doll!
+You can vomit into a carved out pumpkin, watch the vomit pour out of its mouth and blame it on the Jack-o-lantern for ruining the party.

Negatives of Halloween:
-Higher percentage of very unattractive roaming-buffalo women wearing exposing more skin than the law should permit.
-If drunk you may not notice that the fairy you're planning and taking home is actually packing a sausage-rocket under that skirt! @===8 (Check for facial stubble and Adam's apple)
-The fat chick in a hot costume returns back to its hog-self at midnight Cinderella so be conscious of the clock!

Helpful Advice From An Experienced Bachelor

Here I am a 28 year old single swingin' bachelor. To the up and coming bachelors I figured I would show you the ropes on basic survival methods needed to live this long while living an exotic life.

1. Listerine seems to work as good as Bactine or Hydrogen Peroxide at cleaning wounds. You pour it on, it fizzles, so it must be working.

2. Composting is a powerful tool, especially as far as household cleaning goes. Dirty dishes if left long enough will eventually self cleanse due to the breakdown of food particles. If someone complains tell them you are conserving water for the needy kids of Africa...

3. If expecting to eat leftovers for several days of the same food, you can refrigerate your used plate for the next meal without any ill side-effects.

4. If your already worn clothes don't pass the smell test, apply cologne, and check again. Repeat until you're satisfied...

5. Cleanliness is over-rated, thanks to filth I have immense immunities. People are fearing the Super Staff bacteria that is no longer killed by anti0biotics. The cure resides in my veins...

6. Women and bees can smell fear, so work on your poker face.

7. If you have hot water included in your rent but have electric heat that is not included, you can fill your tubs and sinks with hot water and invest in a fan to circulate the warmth.

Seven is an age old number celebrated in many societies, so I think I will stop there. If you any golden tips to share feel free to post 'em!

The Cost/Benefit Analysis of Relationships

When I was in a relationship a while ago I noticed how the longer the relationship was, the rarer the sex became. I eventually did a cost benefit analysis which overwhelmingly pointed in the direction of me breaking up. So I figured why not share this formula with others...

Breakup Formula- Dollars Spent On Partner Each/Times Sex Was Had Each Month
Pretty self explanatory. I figure any more than $20 for sex is too much.
ex. $500 spent that month/10 bones that month= $50 per bone, give it up lady or time for a new one!

Dating- The act of seeing as many attractive people in rapid succession with the sole purpose of seeing them naked and hopefully "getting a piece" as well. Sex is attained by pretending to be caught up in the moment. (Expensive)
Benefits: Variety, Fun
Penalties: Occasional lonely night

Relationship- The middle point between dating and marriage. Usually the result of thinking you have found as good a mate as you can; but are not engaged yet, just in case you had an error in judgement. Sex is attained by getting partner drunk and/or doing nice things. (Moderately Expensive)
Benefits: Cuddling
Penalties: Angry if you bag somebody else

Marriage- The end of any sexual variety. You have reached your peak. Comparable to a stock broker selling when the stock has maxed out. Sex is garnished except on special occasions. (Lowest maintenace cost)
Benefits: You can get fat without recourse.
Penalty: They can get fat without recourse.
See: "Ring that Plugs The Hole"

Celebrity Adoption

What agency do these celebrities go to that they find these kids, because I want in!!! Its every bit as good as winning the lottery! Just think fame, riches, a hot mom! What more could I ask for?!

Hello Angelina Jolie! Sheryl Crow! I would gladly receive a spongebath from either one of those mommas!

Even Michael Jackson would do now that I'm old enough to fend for myself! (But no baths, just give me the money pops!)

Britney Spears, I would gladly replace either one of your birth children, after all look at K-Fed's wife beater style, those kids dont stand a chance based on his genetic coding. Then you can prance around naked and fill my bottle with booze anytime... Babies out, Landon in!

People say there are no ugly babies? Well check out this mutation. Angelina, what were you thinking??? Return to sender! I would let evolution weed this one out. I've seen better heads come out of a zipper! Is that foam coming from it's mouth?

Celebrity adopts foreign child, not news. Celebrity adopts fully grown man, now that's news!!!