Tuesday, January 22, 2008

The Lucky Children Of Sierra Leone

Today I managed to break away from work for a bit while eating my lunch ; a hearty container of pickled herring, a real manly meal- fish(uncooked?), vinegar, onions, and some other stuff that I don't know what it was but tastes good anyways.

Looking through the news I nearly dropped my fish! Some "not news" made it into the news, "Child mortality highest in Sierra Leone." Is anyone really surprised? and now the bigger question, "Is this a bad thing?"

270 our of 1,000 kids of Sierra Leone are likely to die before the age of 5. I like to look at it on the bright side. 27% of the kids are lucky enough to die young!

I would think the other people of Sierra Leone would be jealous of their early demise and consider the children selfish. The kids will avoid being caught in civil war, going blind of malnutrition, not get AIDS from sex with nor chip-beast, the list goes on and on!

"Blessed are the children" the other must think. Or "why couldn't that Malaria carrying mosquito, or lethal diarhea have struck me down before all the torments of life in Africa took its ugly toll on me, or even worse, Sally fucking Struthers!"

If people are dumb enough to live in this shithole, should we really feel bad for them? Evolve people!

Monday, January 14, 2008

New Gladiators, New Fetishes

I remember as a kid watching American Gladiators, it was good but I don't remember it being quite as good as it is now.

Back then I got my first fetish with Siren, the deaf female gladiator, it made me wonder the tantalizing noises that deaf lady would make during sex. Let me hear you say "UUUUHHHH!!!!"

Another great thing is now I can find some of the old hotties from AG nude online! 1. Diamond with her artificial breasts that may or may not explode under the pressure of her pecs!

Gold's ass cheeks could crush with a force equal to 20,000 leagues under the sea!But now, take a look at these new girls! Unbelievably hot! I have never so badly wanted to be pugiled in my life! They may not even require steroid or hormone testing!
I have never so badly wanted to be tackled or severely injured by anyone sporting six-pack abs or arms bigger than mine before! Thank you NBC! If only one of them had some kind of handicap like my beloved Siren.Now I just have to wait another decade before finding them nude online...

Friday, January 11, 2008

PUAs (Pussy Under-Achievers)

Last night I went to my first "Monthly Pint" group which is pretty sweet due to the fact that its a club dedicated to drinking beer, not like other lame as meetings like AA.

Anyways, I arranged to meet up with an asian girl there from match.com, who also joined the club just after me by chance. The club ended up being many people in the "Prime Decline" of their life, 40-55yrs old. In short a shit-ass place to score a serving of some delicious Hot Snatch.

So the Asian chick and I were having a good time chatting for about half an hour and then we decided to go mingle with the rest of the club. We walked through the Prime Decliners and decided to sit on the pool table. The people were quite friendly but physically apalling, one guy actually had some "thing" protruding from the top of him head that needs a surgery to remove...

After sitting there for a while a couple guys come over in their mid-upper 30's and started chatting with us (mostly the asian chick) and I immediately notice that they're trying to chat her up to pull her away from me. However I also notice another thing, the guy seems to be a little odd in his mannerisms and things he talks about. So I just sat there and let him talk to her in front of me, minding my own business (I don't compete for girls, they're supposed to compete for me), while trying to figure out what's so odd about this guy. (He's also using some gimmicks to try and draw her in.) The asian girl laughs and banters back but seems to keep her distance, so he's no real threat.

I figure in my mind that this guy must be a lame PUA (Pick-up Artist). Eventually the girl goes to the bathroom and I get a chance to talk to this guy in private. The first thing out of my mouth was, "Have you heard of the Mystery Method?" (Which I call the Misery Method for its ability to really fuck up some people). To my lack of surprise he says, "Yeah, I actually know Neil Strauss" (writer of the book "The Game," which is also quite lame, maybe I'll just call it "The Lame") I think there's a certain stench Mystery Method guys give off.

Driving the bus to Loserville! And a well paid chaffeur he is!

While we're sitting there talking (he's an alright guy, once you get him out of his "gaming" mindset) a girl comes over that he knows who I find more attractive (due to skinnier waste and bullet breasts) and he introduces us. I start chatting her up and I leave the asian girl to the "PUA." We're both in isolation, but I don't think he got anywhere with her really though he got her number. Then I left the bar to go hookup with a hot chick and drove to work this morning in last nights clothes. Classy, I know!

Long story short, I have a rollerblading date to meet the hotter chick coming up if I choose to go (The PUA guy said she's really shy, so the fact that she wants me to meet her there is BIG), and this morning I got an email from the asian chick saying we should "meet up" soon.

Score: Landon-2, PUA-likely O.

What worked for me on this night:
  • I was in good with the asian chick before any male intervention
  • I didn't feel the need to AMOG the guy or anything lame like that since I already believe wholeheartedly I am the Alpha guy, no matter what situation I'm in. Not acting jealous either!
  • My talking to the hotter chick probably left the asian chick feeling jealous and elevated my value even higher because other women have fun talking to me.
Why I can't stand most PUA's.
  • They are usually socially retarded, which is why they are trying to learn to be a PUA. It's like trying to teach a ape table manners. Learn to be social before trying to pick up a woman.
  • They think having a woman will fix them
  • They believe that a book will save them from being fucked up.
  • There are 3 parts to picking up women 1. Try 2. Learn from failures. 3.Repeat

Building from the ground up:

  • Forget the books, they are a crutch and fill people with clutter. If a book ever solved life's problems there would just be one self help book out there!
  • Learn to be a man. Walk like a man, talk like a man! A woman wants a man!
  • Have your shit together! (Responsible, Confidence, Basic Hygiene, Dressed for success) If you can't take care of yourself, how will you take care of anyone else?
  • Believe in yourself!
  • Don't blame outside factors! Somebody will always be taller, better looking, more sucessful. So no whining!
  • Have a sense of humor about everything in life, or I will kick you in the chode that you've become!

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Reminiscing one of my greatest drunken moments

Since I am now 29 (the magic age where women seem to stop aging numerically, just physically based on the lies they tell you), I feel like it's time for my first flashback to one of my greatest life experiences.

A few years ago when I was in college, me and my friends were out celebrating the last day of class. So in honor of this day I brought some well deserved class to some stupid cunt...

We were all gathered around a table, which I settled my precious Leinie's Honey Weiss upon. Chatting, ogling women, and the typical good times. When one drunk bitch knocked my beer off the table, right in front of me! I was immediately unhappy at my great loss, who wouldn't be?
But that unhappiness quickly turned to outrage when I told the girl she owed me a beer for knocking my full one off. I don't know if she was so stupidly drunk that she didn't think she did it or if she was just trying to be a cheap bitch by saying she didn't do it, but it mattered not to the Drunken Avenger...

I was half in the bag or maybe even further when this occurance brought to me by Fate happened. The DA's fury went from zero-to-eruption in approximately 5 drunken seconds (the time it took to develop my brew's avenging...
I said to my friends at the table with the biligerant bitch the line that occurs before any drunken spectacle, "Watch this..."
I stealthily side sidestepped behind the victim in waiting, positioning her head between me and her friend she was talking to (I didn't know him, which was dangerous and added to the greatness)... Cleared my throat into a giant loogey... and unloaded the phlegm into the back of her head with camel like force. The moment was unleashed!
It was so spectacular of a heave that the wind blew the hair over Spitoonhead's face! The broad was so drunk she never even noticed the loogey in her hair! She just brushed the hair out of her face and continued talking. The friend she was talking to didn't know what the fuck everybody was laughing at, tears rolling from their eyes...

Sometimes my drunken greatness even amazes me.... The End

Thursday, January 3, 2008

Learning the gay language...

The other night I was at one of my favorite local bar/lounges on a date. Favorite because of the constant happy hour specials and it's close to my place (lazy, I know) but the girls don't need to know that. Is it tacky to take different girls there about 4 times a week? Probably, but that's just my way! Oh well the waitstuff keeps it on the downlow.

So our waiter arrives and tells us what the specials are for beer. "Thummit, Guinneth , Leineeth's Honey Veithh, " etc...

I was thrown off for a second, what were these beers I have never heard of before? Then I realized he was just that GAY! He was saying, "Summit, Guinness, Leinie's Honey Weiss...." Thank God I was a regular or I would have been lost!
So what is it about being gay that makes the men develop a lisp? Does a cock eventually fuck up their vocal chords making all the "sss's" turn into "thhhhh's"? Was he just gargling some cum and he needs to hork it up to talk normal? When he's deep throating does the scrotum crush his larynx? These are the thoughts I spend pondering ever since...

I bet tongue twisters for fag's are a bitch (I have nothing against the Turd Burglars, they do whatever packs their fudge as long as I'm not around to see it). But you only imagine how much fun it would be to hear them say, "Sally sells seashells by the seashore"?

Friday, December 21, 2007

Cockblocked by Alcoholics Anonymous

Last night I was supposed to have a date with a cute little redhead, but then she canceled on me at the last minute. Why??? Because it conflicted with the lame ass rules of her AA meetings. Cockblocked by AA!

Apparently the people running AA, they recommend that people attending the meetings do not date for a year! WTF?! Let's put our life on hold for a whole fucking year! Can you come up with a better way to send them back to the bottle?! Dumbass!

The other problem is the people never drinking again. The alcohol isn't the problem, it's the people! A person that becomes a huge fucking fat ass isn't told to never fucking eat again. Do you tell a workaholic to never work again?! They're told to eat reasonably, work less, set limits... How healthy is it for someone to be told to never do something again because they can't control themselves?!

Down with AA! I will teach these people how to live a fuller life, which is not by avoiding it! I hope a rebounding alchy runs them over on the way back from a meeting!!

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Feebleness' New All Time Low

Today I will rant about hearing aids and the futility and irony of them.

Today at work my co-worker minion, a 70 year old fart, was talking with another older man in the same "knock, knock, knocking on coffins door" stage of life. The worst and most ironic part of it all was they were talking about their hearing aids. It's as ironic as bulimics with chubby cheeks, but not quite as cool or trendy...

What a waste of batteries! Talking about your hearing aid. What is even the point of having a hearing aid anyways? By the time you're decrepidly old you've pretty much heard everything anyways! All you can talk about your dietary blend of pills that keep you alive...

The worst part is now they can hear the Grim Reaper coming. I wish at times when he crossed the road he would get run over by a car. Now, thanks to his fucking Miracle Ear chances are he'll hear the motorcade of death. Shitty.

Lucky for me I can still bang on loud pieces of metal (with MY ear plugs in) and create such a ruckus that it will drive the codger with his bionic ear to new levels of deafness! So eventually he will have to have such a large amplified hearing aid the weight may break his withering neck.