Proof evolution is not happening in my pants

I just read an interesting article on how humans are evolving into 2 different species. One will be an intelligent, powerful, and universally attractive species, the other will be a hobbit like creature that serves the beautiful ones.

The beautiful race will have women with firmer breasts and men with larger cocks. I personally believe evolution is a load of crap. Can a species really adapt in a way the desire? Do you think the Giraffe really evolved a long neck to eat the higher leaves off trees? If this were so, wouldn't I have already evolved a larger penis? I continually think about it every day, pulling on it in one way or another. Yet there it hangs, same size as ever. Proof that evolution is not happening in my pants.

If evolution were really happening would it really take women 15 minutes on average to orgasm and guys only 2 minutes? If evolution were really happening why do you have your hand in a girls pussy for another 13 mins? Shouldn't I either be ejaculating from those fingers or have evolved a hand between my legs? Again, proof evolution is NOT occuring in my pants. Unless of course carpal tunnel is a sign of evolution.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/technology/technology.html?in_article_id=489653&in_page_id=1965

Positives and Negatives of Halloween

The Saturday before Halloween is always a big party night (Only topped by Halloween actually falling on a Friday or Saturday night complete with a full moon).

I knew it was going to be a good night based on the vomit puddles on Hennepin Ave. right in the heart of Uptown. One puddle is usually accompanied by a black-out-drunk bum; but this night there were 3 puddles! By the looks of poorly chewed food 2 of the puddles could be attributed to the same binge-eating and drinking soul. (I should be on CSI with these detective skills) But the other puddle had to be from someone else.

All of this action within the same block! The first mass vomiting I had ever come across in Uptown!

Positives of Halloween:
+Higher percentage of attractive women dressed up exposing more skin than usual!
+A chance to experiment with some kinky role-playing with being thought of as weird!
+Opportunity to murder someone you don't like and pass it off as a cult sacrifice!
+If you can't score any hot ass- if you bag a fat chick that has the costume of a 10/10 on the hotness scale you get credit for the 10 even though the fatty may only be a 3! Go Barbie doll!
+You can vomit into a carved out pumpkin, watch the vomit pour out of its mouth and blame it on the Jack-o-lantern for ruining the party.

Negatives of Halloween:
-Higher percentage of very unattractive roaming-buffalo women wearing exposing more skin than the law should permit.
-If drunk you may not notice that the fairy you're planning and taking home is actually packing a sausage-rocket under that skirt! @===8 (Check for facial stubble and Adam's apple)
-The fat chick in a hot costume returns back to its hog-self at midnight Cinderella so be conscious of the clock!

Helpful Advice From An Experienced Bachelor

Here I am a 28 year old single swingin' bachelor. To the up and coming bachelors I figured I would show you the ropes on basic survival methods needed to live this long while living an exotic life.

1. Listerine seems to work as good as Bactine or Hydrogen Peroxide at cleaning wounds. You pour it on, it fizzles, so it must be working.

2. Composting is a powerful tool, especially as far as household cleaning goes. Dirty dishes if left long enough will eventually self cleanse due to the breakdown of food particles. If someone complains tell them you are conserving water for the needy kids of Africa...

3. If expecting to eat leftovers for several days of the same food, you can refrigerate your used plate for the next meal without any ill side-effects.

4. If your already worn clothes don't pass the smell test, apply cologne, and check again. Repeat until you're satisfied...

5. Cleanliness is over-rated, thanks to filth I have immense immunities. People are fearing the Super Staff bacteria that is no longer killed by anti0biotics. The cure resides in my veins...

6. Women and bees can smell fear, so work on your poker face.

7. If you have hot water included in your rent but have electric heat that is not included, you can fill your tubs and sinks with hot water and invest in a fan to circulate the warmth.

Seven is an age old number celebrated in many societies, so I think I will stop there. If you any golden tips to share feel free to post 'em!

The Cost/Benefit Analysis of Relationships

When I was in a relationship a while ago I noticed how the longer the relationship was, the rarer the sex became. I eventually did a cost benefit analysis which overwhelmingly pointed in the direction of me breaking up. So I figured why not share this formula with others...

Breakup Formula- Dollars Spent On Partner Each/Times Sex Was Had Each Month
Pretty self explanatory. I figure any more than $20 for sex is too much.
ex. $500 spent that month/10 bones that month= $50 per bone, give it up lady or time for a new one!

Dating- The act of seeing as many attractive people in rapid succession with the sole purpose of seeing them naked and hopefully "getting a piece" as well. Sex is attained by pretending to be caught up in the moment. (Expensive)
Benefits: Variety, Fun
Penalties: Occasional lonely night

Relationship- The middle point between dating and marriage. Usually the result of thinking you have found as good a mate as you can; but are not engaged yet, just in case you had an error in judgement. Sex is attained by getting partner drunk and/or doing nice things. (Moderately Expensive)
Benefits: Cuddling
Penalties: Angry if you bag somebody else

Marriage- The end of any sexual variety. You have reached your peak. Comparable to a stock broker selling when the stock has maxed out. Sex is garnished except on special occasions. (Lowest maintenace cost)
Benefits: You can get fat without recourse.
Penalty: They can get fat without recourse.
See: "Ring that Plugs The Hole"

Celebrity Adoption

What agency do these celebrities go to that they find these kids, because I want in!!! Its every bit as good as winning the lottery! Just think fame, riches, a hot mom! What more could I ask for?!

Hello Angelina Jolie! Sheryl Crow! I would gladly receive a spongebath from either one of those mommas!

Even Michael Jackson would do now that I'm old enough to fend for myself! (But no baths, just give me the money pops!)

Britney Spears, I would gladly replace either one of your birth children, after all look at K-Fed's wife beater style, those kids dont stand a chance based on his genetic coding. Then you can prance around naked and fill my bottle with booze anytime... Babies out, Landon in!

People say there are no ugly babies? Well check out this mutation. Angelina, what were you thinking??? Return to sender! I would let evolution weed this one out. I've seen better heads come out of a zipper! Is that foam coming from it's mouth?

Celebrity adopts foreign child, not news. Celebrity adopts fully grown man, now that's news!!!